Viva Ronaldo - Obrigado pelas recordações

After 6 years of enthralling us, the fans of my beloved Manchester United and annoying the fans of Scum, Rent Boys and Le Arse with moments of sublime skill and sheer audacity Ronnie has decided to seek newer challenges in greener (and sunnier) pastures of Spain. United have accepted a bid of $ 130 Million from the Satan’s in Spain- a world record deal which will be signed sealed and delivered when Ron agrees personal terms in the coming days. Born on 5th February 1985 in Funcal on the Portuguese island of Madeira to an alcoholic father (who he dearly loved) and a mother who shared the same burning ambition as her son that he would one day play in the white of Real Madrid, he decided to further his footballing education under the tutelage of arguably the greatest manager of all time Sir Alex Ferguson and joined United in the summer of 2003.

Legend has it that- United were playing a pre-season friendly against Sporting Lisbon (Ronnie’s former club) and a spotty young kid was running circles around the likes of Gary Neville/Wes Brown and John O Shea and they came in at half time and pleaded with the manager to sign this bloke as they never ever wanted to play against him. Sir Alex was equally impressed and had instructed the devil incarnate Peter Kenyon (our ex-CEO) to not come back to Manchester without signing this kid. Ronnie joined us in 2003 and was asked to carry on the tradition by wearing the famous number 7 jersey previously worn by legends like George Best, Bryan Robson and David “Golden Balls” Beckham- Not an easy task for a kid from the Iberian Peninsula who is to play in alien conditions. He was seen as initially as a one-trick show pony that was more interested in the tricks and flicks rather the end product. He moved from strength to strength and was rightly won the prestigious Ballon d'Or seeing off competition from the little magician Messi. Later in the season he was crowned FIFA world player of the year.

Ronnie has achieved everything there is to achieve with Manchester United – a hat-trick of premier Leagues, 1 FA Cup, 2 League Cups, 1 Club World Club and the big one- UEFA Champions league. In this time he had also won the golden boot and the player of the season awards. No right minded fan would begrudge him as he pursues his childhood dream after everything he has done for us in the past 5 seasons. To top it all he is making us richer by $ 130 Million (which is higher than the GDP of the island nation of Kiribati) which is over and above all the replica shirts he has helped us sell in the past 5 years.

The audacious back heel against Aston Villa, the forty yard screamer against Porto and amazing counter attack maneuvers with England’s boy wonder will remain long in our memory. No amount money can help us replace a champion like you and it will be a shame that we will no longer hear the fans of scum try to belittle your achievements while craving to find a player like you to wear their jersey. Good luck son and thanks for the memories. You will be missed and will always be one of us.

THERE IS ONLY ONE RONALDO and it is not the one from brazil- That is the highest compliment any one can ever pay you as we all know how bloody good the magician from Brazil was. With stunning looks and a chiseled body, amazing skill and huge amounts of money- Most women want to be with you, most men want to be you and then there are some men who want to be with you.

Cheers
S

MyPL Dream Team

Last year around the same time my friend B (who btw celebrates his birthday today Happy Birthday mate) picked his IPL team of the year. To be honest he beat me to the idea but his team pretty much reflected my take on the team of the year. A year and Lalit Modi a few millions richer later I thought I will try a team of the year of my own. Plus I realized anything you write about the IPL will get you more hits on the internet than Ms Susan Boyle. So here goes my eleven:

Matt the Bat (Chennai Super Kings)

He has not played cricket for a year yet he comes out and bats as if he is playing with his kids in the back yard. Ultra consistent and showed amazing intelligence when he played the anchor role and carried his bat through against Mumbai Indians showing the world T20 is not all about wham bham thank you maam.

Gilly (Deccan Chargers)

I can’t get my head around as to why he chose to retire from International cricket. He is still one of the cleanest hitters of a cricket ball and the closest thing to Viv Richards. Led his side very intelligently so much so that most people didn’t even realize VVS was dropped as the skipper. He would be leading my side, it was a close call between him and Kumble but I have always believed wicket keepers make better skippers as they are constantly involved in the game and have a better understanding of the field placements.

Suresh Raina (Chennai Super Kings)

Mr. Gavaskar reckons Greg Chappell was the worst thing to happen to Indian cricket completely ignoring the irony that our man was instrumental in hiring Greg. I think the whole world has seen what Greg saw in Raina. He is a very intelligent batsman, more than capable to hold his own with the cork, electric in the field and every captains dream team mate. One of the very few Indian batsmen who adapted quite well to bouncy tracks in South Africa (along with Rohit Sharma)

Dilshan (Delhi Dare Devils)

I was very impressed with his capability to read the length early, a very Srilankan trait. Some of his strokes brought back memories of Aravinda Desilva in his hey days and I cannot pay him a better compliment than that.

ABD (Delhi Dare Devils)

Nobody turned on the screws in the last six over’s better than ABD. Made a stunning hundred against the CSK and formed an amazing partnership with Dilshan. Paul Collingwood is one of the best batsman in the shorter form of the game, but ABD’s form ensured that he did as much work as clerk in a government office in India.

Rohit Sharma (Deccan Chargers)

See above Suresh Raina part II

Ojha (Deccan Chargers)

Any left arm spinner who can keep Daniel Vettori out of the side has to be special (well from myPl XI atleast). Another fantastic season has earned him a place in the T20 world cup squad and we can only hope that he doesn’t follow Murali Kartik and drift away after showing great early promise. Left arm spinners like leg spinners have this charm and are wonderful to watch when on song.

Anil Kumble (Royal Challengers Banglore)

It may seem like another “Ryan Giggs for player of the year award saga” but Anil has been fantastic. Taking over the shambles from KP and instilling self belief in a rather poor Bangalore side is nothing short of fantastic. A special mention for having the courage to take on the challenge of bowling to Gilly - another example of him leading from the front. I haven’t had the privilege of watching Chandra/Bedi or Venkat but to me he is India’s greatest spinner by a country mile. He may not have the guile of Murali or the variety of Shane but he makes up for all of it with Heart.

Munaf Patel (Rajasthan Royal)

A real shame that he missed out in T20 world cup squad but the only consolation is that he is replaced by RP who has been an absolute revelation. If any one has any doubts of Shane Warne’s mentoring skills we need to look no further than Munaf. He bowled a fantastic last over against Mumbai Indians and was good enough to pick 16 wickets at average of just over 15 and an economy rate of tad under seven

RP Singh (Deccan Chargers)

A fantastic come back by a bowler who showed so much early promise, hopefully he can stay away from injuries and keep Zaheer Khan on his toes. There is so much to look fwd to if you are an Indian supporter over the next 5 years. A bowling squad of Zaheer/Munaf/Ishant/RP has to be every coach’s dream

Ashish Nehra (Delhi Daredevils)

Clearly the surprise package of IPL2. I didn’t realize he had picked up so many wickets. I also owe him an apology as I of the opinion he was hindering the progress of another young fast bowler. Another thing that he can be very proud of is he was indirectly responsible for keeping the legend that Glenn Mcgrath is out of the side. His wicket taking ability allowed Sehwag to pick Nannes ahead of GM as a gamble and one that actually paid of


Special mention to Fidel Edwards/Andrew Symonds/JP Duminy/Lasith Malinga/ Muralitharan/Jakati who were quite impressive

Let me know if you agree or disagree with my side.

Cheers
S

Dear Rush Limbaugh

Dear Rush Limbaugh,

Hope this letter finds you in good health and wonderful spirits. I see you have been frothing in your mouth talking about the complete blasphemy that “slum dog” Indian worker’s have the temerity to work hard and be better than at you at something. I thought it might be appropriate time for me to apologize on behalf of the billion and counting Indians. Further, I thought this would be an appropriate moment to gently remind you about some facts:

a) We have come and taken over your jobs because we are better than you in this game. Companies, no longer have a national Identity- so if they can find someone who can get the job done MORE efficiently and effectively than you poor Americans, they will do it- So please deal with it!

b) I may be wrong- But I do get a feeling that you are annoyed as you see this as a case of someone coming into your house and not allowing you to live a peaceful and happy life- I have just one word for you- IRAQ- Not a fan of irony are we? God does work in mysterious ways to make things a level playing field

c) If you get a chance to remove your head out of you’re a*s you will basically realize that America and Americans do not have a god given right to have everything your way. Your lovely founding fathers championed the cause of the American dream – To quote Wikipedia - The American Dream often refers to the opportunity for immigrants to achieve greater material prosperity than was possible in their countries of origin. America has been viewed as a land in which one's prospects in life are defined by one's talents and energy rather than by one's family wealth or political connections. This hope includes the opportunity for one's children to grow up and receive an education and its consequent career opportunities. It is the opportunity to make individual choices without the restrictions of class, caste, religion, race, or ethnic group
We are not even in your country –So what in devil’s name are you complaining about?

d) Indian Culture has a strong emphasis on education and we have basically earned the right to take over from what was once considered an American preserve—Not through any underhand means but sheer hard work—We are just better than you lot in writing codes and performing brain surgeries. No wonder more Americans are coming to India to have surgeries performed on them at a cheaper cost with more effectiveness. But I am sure you’d rather die in your wonderful country because you cant afford health care than have a surgery performed by an Indian doctor

Wiser men like Bill Gates have acknowledged this whilst you choose to remain a bitter old man with a lot of xenophobic bile. In summary, I am very sorry that people have negative perceptions about Americans - which has always prided itself in rewarding meritocracy because of nutjobs like you. Like you lot say God bless America

Till we meet again, so long my friend

Cheers
S
A humble Indian

Travel Diary- London and Manchester

I am not really a resolutions person- but I did make up my mind about a few things I wanted to do and it did happen around the turn of the year- so if that makes it a resolution then I have done quite well on my new-year resolutions thus far. An employee of an airline company made a rather rookie mistake and offered discount fares to London from Bermuda (fares that you would kill- annoying co-workers for). This offer was supposed to be available only for employees but his mistake made it available to world at large- This coupled with the fact that my beloved Manchester United were going to play Jose’e men at the Theatre of Dreams meant it was a perfect opportunity to visit the queen’s land and annoyingly call everyone “Love”- I don’t know what it is with English women- they insist on calling everyone “love”- Like my hair dresser – every time I go to her our conversation goes something like this:

HD: What can I do for you my love?
Me: Err…I can think of a hundred things but you are fat ugly and old…so a hair cut would do just fine

Anyways- I did get super cheap tickets to London, spent a fortune on the game tickets and got a wonderful excuse to catch up with T/B and M and also to do touristy things like pose in front of her majesty’s palace. The preceding three weeks were just outright brutal- from the stress of not knowing if I will cling on to my job- see my heart broken friends leave the island for no mistake of theirs- see friends lose their loved ones (and not even being around to give an arm around their shoulder) A vacation seemed a perfect escape route- I was feeling quite horrible about myself on the flight actually- but it was the only way I could get away from all this


Wednesday March 11th 2009

I reached London around half six in the morning and dropped my bag at T’s and hopped on a train to Manchester that morning- Reached Manchester around half four and picked up my ticket from the agent and started walking to the ground-There was a festive atmosphere all round the city- Almost every guy seemed to be going to the game with scarf’s around their neck/beanie on their head/paint on their face and the united anthem on their lips- I was walking with that stupid grin on my face- like the one kids have when they ride their bike for the first time. I started singing along with the rest of the fans- My voice stood out in the crowd- I got stares from people – I don’t blame them – it was like our deva singing an English song- Deep hoarse voice – voice that is just not suited to singing. I went into the stadium and the whole thing just takes your breath away- I am not exaggerating like I always do- there are some places that really do- Like the first time I came to Bermuda- I was awe struck for a good 2 weeks- I am not going to go into the details of the game- Cracking game – Sung my heart out for 2.5 hrs-loved the experience and got hugged by a weird Malaysian dude when we scored- still not able to sleep

Thursday- March 12th 2009

Came back to London that morning- T was supposed to take the day off and we had planned to go around the place and argue about the zillion things that we disagree on. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen but K was kind enough to take me around London- We did all the touristy things like –See Buckingham palace-London Eye-Trafalgar Square –West Minister’s Abbey and clicked a zillion pictures. I did go to a rather fascinating place –Sherlock Holmes museum which is indeed located in Baker street- Totally loved it despite not knowing too much about Mr. Holmes/Watson or Sir Arthur Doyle.

Friday- March 13th 2009

The plan was to meet M in London and the both of us would go around the place- But he felt he’d rather cut his hand with a knife and spend the day in hospital with a fractured finger and some damaged ligaments than hang around with me and that is what he did- M had a kitchen accident and spent the day in hospital waiting for old nurses to call him love. I was on my own again- I decide to make this day a sporting pilgrimage- What better places to visit than the “Mecca of cricket” and the Wimbledon? I have always had a strong interest in and affinity towards Wimbledon- grew up watching Ms Graf win games like she owned the fuck*ing place. I met up with this rather beautiful Japanese woman who was rather inquisitive about a rotund Indian guy and a weird accent. She was a complete joy to be around with-Shame that she never got my name and I don’t remember her’s. T and I met up in the evening and argued long into the night like we always do- Glad to know nothing has changed after all these years. I have to make a quick word about the tube facility in London- It is absolutely fantastic-Amazing how well the city has been connected-

Saturday-March 14th-2009

Caught up with B after ages- We had English break fast at a pub and watched the first half of the United –Pool game before sanely deciding to go around the city and catch up on old stories and the latest updates. I did annoy B with my slap stick humor as always- and I guess he enjoyed it slightly better this time as the frequency had come down drastically. I had a cracking time with B
Met up with T in the afternoon and we were planning to do a “Jack the ripper walk”- but like the flavor of the tour made alternate plans as we found out that the tour guide was an self obsessed as*hole who’d rather talk about himself than Mr. Jack. We turned in early that night as T had an early morning flight to catch

Sunday- March 15th 2009

Came back to Bermuda after thoroughly enjoying the last 4 days- My idea of a vacation is completely different to most people- I try and appreciate the different cultures/ and traditions but that is not the point of vacations- I like to go and see new places/catch up with old friends and do things that I wouldn’t have done normally and try and spice up things a little bit. There are so many places that I want to visit before I kick the bucket- so it is more like crossing a list and enjoying things in my own way- So I apologize if my travel diaries aren’t too interesting-It is just my personal journal to come back and read it in say 10 years time

Cheers
S

PS: I saw a lesbian couple making out in the tube- It completely changed my take on public display of affection- God bless the ladiesJ-

And I live to fight another day...

Around 40 people including some of my close friends. Close shave…Thank lord for small mercies

Cheers
S

Sleepless in Hamilton

It’s been 10 years since I finished school- Last week I was writing to a friend of mine and I mentioned

“I also realize that I have gone through a hell a lot over the past 10 years and am quite happy at where I am in life. Very few regrets”

Its true- I am very glad as to how the last decade had turned out – Quite a few personal highs (I am no world beater but am happy with some of the things that I have done) and some lows- but nothing has been soul-shattering. Just as I finished reminiscing, a mate of mine pinged me to find out if I was ready to attend what is now widely referred as “The Meeting”. We were supposed to have a business update that morning- A meeting which big boss addresses once a quarter and we were expecting it to be along the lines of the previous 2 meetings where he tells us – There is a lot of madness in the market and the financial power houses are struggling to keep up but still we are doing reasonably well- However, we do not know what’s in store and do not want you to believe any of the rumors that are doing the rounds”. Most of the sane ones think this exercise is a waste of time as he is not telling us anything new and is only sowing the seeds for more rumors as people start reading in between lines.

Rather reluctantly we went for the meeting- boss had a rather serious look on his face and the news wasn’t too good- We had decided to let go people and this could be as early as next week. So after weeks where most of the company was in denial- (like an ostrich with its head firmly under the ground and believing the world is dark) we were brought down to reality. We didn’t know how many people were going and more importantly who were the unlucky ones. The process was going to be a long and painful one- At least it will seem long as we had a weekend in between and a lot of negative energy in the system. Ideally, I would have it as quick as ripping a band-aid and be done with it- But I would also like to be a millionaire and marry Ms Jolie but I don’t think god concurs.

I was also thinking that it would be a huge dent on my rather fragile ego if I was on the list- because in my not so humble opinion I think I deserve to stay- but that’s not how it works- it will have to be a combination of whose accounts are doing well/performance of the individual/the whole Bermudian vs non-Bermudian thing (rightfully so – I have come here to make a living and the locals should get preferential treatment in a crisis situation- It’s not like I am inventing a cure for cancer- I am just an accountant and there are enough people on the face of earth who can do my job). I have had enough sleepless nights since last week and believe you me I have even seen big boss lie next to me in my bed (in my dreams obviously- you naughty perverts). The whole thing is just bloody scary- I don’t even want to think about being without a job in these troubled times.

Some one once said - A recession is when your neighbor loses his job, a depression is when you lose your job- Sounds right to me

Cheers
S

PS: The only positive out of the whole sleepless nights is I stayed up to watch A R Rahman collect his Oscar and rather strangely I haven’t been able to get the smile off my face. Congratulations son- You have done us all proud- Jai Ho

Boys do cry

It was a cold morning in December 2007 and I was speaking to a newly married B about the missus and how life has changed in the past 3 weeks (B’s typical answer was- It’s all the same-No difference). B and I are close in a very different way- we don’t talk much about life/feelings. We just keeping calling each other to ensure our life and career are on track. To avoid the awkward moment, and knowing no other mechanism, I had to say something funny- So I quipped- “Now you have someone to take to a movie and make out”- B tried to keep me happy and let out one of those fake laughter’s- You know the one we use your boss says something and think its really funny when its not. He went on to mention that he and the missus had watched Taare Zameen Par last week. Most of my friends are movie buffs and everyone had waxed lyrical about the movie and told me that it was impossible not to cry. So I asked B if he cried and he said yes.

I am not a huge movie fan for a couple of reasons- One – When I go to theatre – My constant need to yap and make smart ass remarks puts off most people and they start hurling abuses at me. Two- I have the attention span of a three year old. But I wanted to watch this movie and find out what all the fuss about. More importantly I wanted to see if I will cry. My sister sobs like a “two year old who has had her candy taken away” every time she watches Kuch Kuch Hota hai and it pisses me off so much for I really think there is nothing to cry about. I thought TZP was another KKHH all over again. So I did end up watching the movie. I did cry when I watched the movie but in my defense it was not for the Dharsheel kids acting but for a small documentary which comes in the movie. So it really doesn’t count.

Fast forward, Jan 2009- Cold February morning- I wake up at half seven and turn the TV on to watch the Australian Open final- Watched a fantastic game between 2 great champions and thoroughly enjoyed the contest without holding an ill-feeling towards the opponent (Nadal- I am a Fedex fan but not a big one- Once Agassi quit I just picked Federer because I thought he was the man who is good enough to knock Pistol Pete off the perch) which is something which never happens when I watch a football /cricket match. My hatred for all things Liverpool / Sachin (Not any more) is/was so intense that I enjoy a perverse pleasure when they don’t perform as well which is not in the spirit of the sport but I couldn’t care less-(Actually I could I am just not trying harder) .

I bawled like a baby when I watched Fed getting all emotional about his defeat. The man is a champion and he hates loosing (I know how he feels exactly). It got me thinking – I have cried so many times while watching a sporting contest- Be the numerous occasions when Lara couldn’t inspire the Windies/ United’s defeat to Benfica to get knocked out of the Champions league/ Our gut wrenching defeat to the blue noses on the eve of the 50th anniversary of the Munich Disaster. How can you not cry when you see Pete Sampras pull out a note from his pregnant wife to over come a difficult time in a game, when Sachin gets a hundred a mere days after his dad attains heavenly abode and looks up in the sky,or David Beckham scores the penalty against Argentina in 2002 world cup and cries thinking about all the hate emails/chants he has had to endure after his moment of madness in the 98 world cup. Sport brings out the raw emotions in people- players and fans alike.

This is when I actually realized what people mean when they say I actually cried when I watched the movie. Art and Sport have this unique ability to make you relate to people we don’t even know in flesh and blood but still make us feel for them. What will we all be without Art and Sport? I shudder to think

Cheers
S

PS: Veteran Actor Nagesh has decided to leave us mere mortals and go back to where he came from. Rest in Peace great man- You have given us an opportunity to realize how brilliant you were for something’s are treasured only when you no longer have them. One of the few times I remember crying when I watched a movie was – Nammavar Scene where he tries to keep his calm after his daughter’s death- Absolute genius